By Abby Libby
I never thought I’d want to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). I thought staying would be too slow for me. I thought home would be too small. I thought motherhood would be too little. I was wrong.
I'm Abby. I had my first baby boy in April of 2024 and quit my job five months later. I now have two little boys under the age of two.
I thought being a SAHM would be too small, too slow, and too little for me because my career was too small, too slow, and too little for me. Don’t get me wrong, I liked my career. The work was meaningful and interesting. I loved my boss and (most of) my coworkers. I got to meet some incredible people. I got to travel. But it wasn’t enough, and I spent years filling my life to the brim with side gigs, books, social activities, and an ever-changing stack of hobbies. I was desperate to do enough to reach some nebulous idea of my potential, and, at times, I was busy enough to mistake my pace, productivity, and fatigue for fulfillment.
I assumed that if all that was unsatisfying, motherhood would be too. I did believe people who said having kids was incredible and fulfilling, but I believed them in the same way I believed when others said I’d be fulfilled by a thorough education, a stimulating career, a popping social life, cats, crafts, lifting weights, and a regular diet of good books. I believed motherhood would be a fulfilling addition to my big pile of not-quite fulfilling things. I assumed that no matter how wonderful and time-consuming motherhood might be, I’d still want to be needed and obligated and valued somewhere outside my house.
I assumed that right up until I got pregnant, but as soon as my first baby boy existed inside me, I suddenly wanted to quit my job. I felt a growing need to cut off any obligation outside my home and anything that needed and demanded from me the time, energy, and other resources I wanted to give to him.
I showed up at work and got my tasks done, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I spent every moment of work downtime doing something for the baby: educating myself on infant care, compiling a baby registry, sourcing board books for his first library, and, naturally, planning out every aspect of our future homeschool from Pre-K to 12th grade in a multi-tab spreadsheet. At home, I spent a lot of time talking to my husband, trying to figure out how we could make a SAHM life possible for me.
It's not ever easy to let go of income, but it can feel impossible in this economy. It took us months to figure it out. I had a podcast and social media platform that were bringing in a little cash. Between that, my husband's overtime, and some budget cuts, we decided we had (just barely) enough to make the leap, and we went for it.
Telling my boss I was leaving was one of the most liberating, empowering moments of my life. I wasn't suddenly bound to my house like feminists would have me believe. I was free of responsibility to anyone but my family. I was empowered to give my undivided focus to my home the way that I longed to. I can't express how much peace this brought me—peace I had not even believed was possible for me with my nature and personality.
I found that SAHM life wasn’t too slow, it was just the right pace for my busy heart to settle into. My house wasn’t too small. It was as if it expanded around me as soon as I focused my life on it. I discovered that motherhood, rather than being too little, was infinite because people, even the littlest people, are infinite.
I don't think I'm unique in this. I think many women simply don’t know until we're in it how big being a mom actually is and how much room there is in our homes for us to be as big and as much as we want.
I believe much of the frustration women have around the limitations of motherhood are actually frustration over being divided between career and home, and feeling we are failing in both. I think most women, given a real chance and choice to stay home, would take it and find the same relief I did. I think it's largely up to husbands to make that possible. This is likely not universally true, but I have a feeling it’s true for far more of us than we think.
I still work a little from home to contribute financially. Most mothers, even in the most traditional eras in history, had some sort of work they did in the home beyond mothering. The difference between this and working outside my home is that my focus and energy are no longer divided and frustrated. I don’t answer to a boss who has priorities outside my family.
I still have my hobbies, too, but I no longer pursue them with a desperation to make my existence meaningful. I don’t need that anymore.
There is infinite meaning in pouring into little humans and making a good home and a good life for my family. I'm not saying every SAHM will be blissfully happy and fulfilled all the time. I’m not saying we will never struggle with identity and loneliness, but I am saying that there is room in a SAHM life for a woman like me. I’m saying there is much here, and it is more than enough.
Abby Libby lives in West Virginia with her husband, two boys under two, and two cats. She hosts a podcast called Alternatively that explores Christianity, conspiracy theories, homeschooling, and more. In her spare time, she knits, lifts weights, and posts on X.
You can follow her at @abbythelibb_ on Twitter and Instagram